Playing poker with the PG Tips Chimps

No of course I haven’t been!  I don’t play poker; poker is for scammers, sados and people who can’t find late night porn on Sky.  Online poker has been pretty big the last few years but I think it has hit its peak and I have never been bitten by the bug.  It’s the same with casinos, when people find out that I like racing then they seem to jump to a conclusion that I must like casinos.  I have only been once and that will do for me.  Give me a racetrack or dodgy bookie’s shop any day (preferably one without the gaming machines).  Now if I got the opportunity to play poker with the PG Tips chimps then I wouldn’t turn it down; I was a big fan of their adverts in the 1970s.  We live in enlightened times now and so ‘Monkey’ and Johnny Vegas front the adverts; pretty good but not got the same naive charm of the chimps.  Well the next best thing to playing poker with the PG Tips chimps is dealing with the motor trade.

After 25 years of driving and 21 years of having a company car this month it was time to dip my toes into the car ownership pool, and what a murky pool it is.  I guess one of the downsides to self employment is not having a company car but having to buy your own yourself.  I knew that I would have to do this after the three months termination period, so I was prepared for the costs; what I wasn’t prepared for was the sheer bloody frustration of the exercise!  I won’t name or single out any dealers, you may be able to guess some of them if you have been in a similar situation!

What I was looking for was a mid size, mid specification diesel with 3 or more year’s warranty, something I can rely upon while I get established in business.  In the end I bought a Renault Megane, uninspiring I know but it ‘ticked the boxes’ and I got a ‘good deal’ but what a bind it was to get there.

I want to see what I am buying, so in the showroom have one of each model, not just four of the super-mini, a big estate and an off-roader.  Buying a car is expensive so I don’t want to guess how big it is, what it looks like or search for it in some vast second-hand lot only to find that is the old style and the new one is totally different.  That is not helpful.  A seven year warranty is brilliant, but I don’t want to be stuck with the wrong car for seven years!  Waste of time.

Please talk to me!  It can be difficult for a salesperson to pitch the attention level right, but after 15 minutes in a showroom I would expect the salesperson to realise that I haven’t just come in from the rain.  Sitting in cars and looking puzzled is not a hobby of mine; sitting in pubs and looking p***ed is.  That one crossed off the list before we start.

Try to sell me the car I want.  Yes there are always alternatives and from non petrol-heads the descriptions may be a little vague, but do you really think you can sell me a two-seater roadster (which is bloody ugly, bright electric blue and has a stupid name) by telling me you have quite a few of them.  Perhaps the reason you have quite a few of them is no bugger with a modicum of taste wants one.  You can get rid of some complete eyesores if you have the right badge, like Porsche; sadly it won’t be a French badge and Gallic flair and quirkiness only covers some sins.

How much does it cost?  Can you give me a ball park figures for the range?  Yes I know that dealers want to pretend they are selling carpets in the Souk in Tunis, but the Tunisians always you a ridiculously high starting point to work down from, I know I have been there.  As a starting point I want to know if it is in my price range, that’s all, I don’t want to waste time test driving something I can’t afford or discussing extras before I know the base price.  No I don’t want to make commitments and ring for an appointment, you are not my Doctor you are trying (unsuccessfully in my case) to sell cars made in the most boring nation in Europe who put capital B in Bureaucracy.

Know your product, get the specification brochure or get someone who does know; ‘not sure’ is not a good answer to a basic query.  Don’t keep running off to ask the boss to ‘see if he will let me’ when I ask about spare wheels and complementary mats, we know there is always a bit of wriggle room.  Since when did a spare wheel become an extra?  I was labouring under the misconception it was an offense not to have one – shows what I know about cars.

Don’t get it into your head that you are superior to the rest.  Your cars are not hand crafted by experienced craftsmen from precious metals and the finest leather, more likely they are nailed together by Romanian Gypsies in the Czech Republic or by Poles in the former East Germany.  Yes your product is very good and well made, if rather bland,  but is doesn’t justify a 30-40% hike on the competition and the sniffy ‘we don’t negotiate’ attitude.

In the end I did manage to find two find two dealers who I was able to work with and they were a breath of fresh air.  One was the Renault dealer who I bought the Megane off and the other a Toyota dealer who tried hard but was pipped on price.  Why can’t all of them behave this way?

Right rant over.  Now is a full house better than a flush?  Neeyaaahaha oook oook.  Where is Jane Goodall when you need her?