East meets West

In the summer a friend of mine, Darren Norton (@Knockernorton1), decided to set up a Fanzine to cover local non-league side North Ferriby United who had just gained promotion to step 1 of the non-league pyramid.  The aims of the magazine are twofold; to stimulate interest in a local club which has done wonders for its size, and to raise much needed funds for local junior football. 

View From The Allotment End @VFTAE was born in August and will be publishing issue 3 in January 2017.  It has started small but so far has sold out and has also sold small batches of merchandise (tee shirts and bobble hats).  The magazine doesn’t concentrate solely on North Ferriby United and because of this a few copies are posted across the country.  Details of how to get a copy can be found on the Twitter feed.

I will be a regular contributor to the magazine and my brief is connect football to the arts in general.  The piece I wrote for issue 1 follows, I hope you enjoy and check out the magazine, we think its rather good.

East meets West

As a youngster growing up in the 1970’s your football fixes were few compared to today’s 24/7 coverage.  Live football was almost non-existent; highlights on match of the day was best but restricted to a few major teams rather than covering all matches like today.  There was always the radio to fall back on though.  Crackly radio 2 on medium wave was put up with because of the brilliant Peter Jones, especially so for midweek European Cup matches.  For glamour we had Ajax and Bayern Munich but for mystique and the unknown we got a glimpse behind the iron curtain.

One of the strangest instances of East clashing with West happened in the 1974 World Cup in West Germany (the Federal Republic of Germany) when the hosts played East Germany (German Democratic Republic – the GDR) in the first group stage.  The GDR was formed in 1949 in the early days of the cold war when certain areas of the Soviet Occupation Zone the control was passed to Soviet supported communist administrations.  West Germany refused to accept the GDR as a sovereign state until 1972 and meetings between the two were restricted Olympic Games trial matches.

The draw for the groups in itself was controversial.  Chile should have played the Soviet Union in a two-legged intercontinental playoff but the Soviets refused to play the second leg in the Estadio Nacional which had been used a detention and torture centre in the recent coup d’état, giving the tie to Chile. Then the groups were seeded with previous World Cup Winners in one pot and the other three pots being on a geographic basis.  That kept the GDR (who would follow the Soviet’s bidding) apart from Chile but allowed for West Germany able to be drawn against the GDR, which following sods law duly happened.

This was to cause headaches as just weeks before the tournament the West’s Chancellor Willy Brandt had to resign after it was discovered that one of his personal assistants was actually a spy for the East.

The game itself was played at the Volksparkstadion in Hamburg on 22 June 1974 watched by a sell out crowd of 60,200.  The West had already beaten Chile 1-0 and Australia 3-0 but they were not reaching the levels which were expected of them.  Whereas, the East had beaten Australia 2-0 and had drawn with Chile 1-1 and they were surpassing expectations but for them the only match that mattered was the final group one.  The final group match for Chile and Australia had already ended 0-0 which meant that both East and West had already qualified for the second group stage.

The game itself wasn’t regarded as a classic, perhaps there was too much at stake (from the East’s perspective), or perhaps there was too little with qualification assured.  Both sides spurned easy chances in the six yard box before Gerd Müller came closest to scoring hitting the post shortly before half-time.  Then the unthinkable happened on 77 minutes when a quick counter attack from the GDR found Hamann in space, intelligent running from Lauck provided a decoy for a long pass to Sparwasser making his run from deep midfield.  The pass took an awkward bounce and he appears to control it with his face rather than his chest but this pushes him past a defender and allows him to lift the ball over the sprawling goalkeeper Maier.  The West continued to press but they were wasteful and the East hung on for a dramatic victory.   After winning this one the East made sure that the record would remain intact by avoiding the West until re-unification.

Was there some kind of conspiracy?  Well coming second in the group meant that the West missed the Netherlands, who were blazing a trail, in the second phase.  However the Netherlands final group game was the following day (23^rd) so the idea of throwing the game doesn’t stand up, certainly not like the shameful events of ‘Disgrace of Gijón’ in the 1982 World Cup which led to final group games being played simultaneously.

The 1974 match features in a recently-released crime novel by Cottingham-born Hull City supporter,  David Young.  After trying a variety of temporary jobs – including a short stint with his father’s builders’ merchants, JR Young & Sons, on Clough Road, Hull – David ended up with a career in journalism with local newspapers, a London news agency, and international radio and TV newsrooms.  His first book ‘Stasi Child’ – the first of a series set in mid-1970s East Germany – was published in paperback earlier this year and has been longlisted for the Theakstons Old Peculier Crime Novel of the Year and the CWA Historical Dagger.

The book centres on East Berlin and follows a case investigated by heroine Oberleutnant Karin Müller.  When a child is discovered shot dead but apparently running away from the Berlin Wall rather than trying to flee to the West, Karin feels that there is more to it than appears.  Reading it you get a feel for a life of oppression in East Berlin and the fear of Stasi and their many informants.  David cleverly weaves the match into the plot of the book but you will have to read it to see how he does it.

David, who is you football allegiance with these days, Hull City or some southern softies?

Very much Hull City, even though I now live in Twickenham and last lived full-time in Cottingham when I was nine. I’ve supported them since the days of Chilton and Wagstaff, with occasional breaks when other obsessions took over. As a boy I dreamed of City getting to the FA Cup final but never really thought it would come true – then it did, and I was there! I try to get to as many away games as I can and I’m a member of the Hull City Southern Supporters, but find it too expensive and time consuming to go to home games, so the Midlands is about my limit. Furthest trips this season were for the dire league defeats at Preston and Derby, although the latter was atoned for in that great play-off semi-final away leg. I wore my very rare 1981 Adidas HCAFC shirt to Wembley. Allegedly it’s the one Keith Edwards threw at Mike Smith in disgust when he was subbed in a 0-0 home draw against my now local team, Brentford. The club were in dire financial trouble (plus ca change) and I offered to buy a season ticket if they sold me the shirt Keith had thrown away. Whether it actually was his, I’ve no idea. It’s a very tight fit!

Scandi-noir is a well mined popular genre, what made you come up with a book in a style that may be called Commie-grey?

The book does feature a section on the frozen Baltic coast of East Germany, so maybe I ought to sneak it into the Scandi-noir piles in bookshops! As a diversion from a day job I’d grown to hate (as a news editor for BBC World TV) I started my own indiepop band at the end of the noughties, and managed to blag a little tour of Germany. So the inspiration was seeing how much of the GDR still survives in eastern Germany, and also reading the wonderful Stasiland between gigs – Anna Funder’s non-fiction stories of Stasi operatives and their victims. And, cynically, I spotted a gap in the market!

How did the match come into mind for the plot of this book?

I needed the officials at a GDR institution to be sufficiently distracted by an event that they wouldn’t notice something else happening. So really I just used it as a device. It was such a big thing for East Germany, I imagined as many as possible would have been watching it on TV. So the match features – but in a very tangential way.

What comes next for you/Karin?

I’ve been lucky enough to secure a three-book deal with my publishers Bonnier-Zaffre, and the second in the series – set in the East German new town of Halle-Neustadt – is due out in February 2017. At the moment I’ve just started writing Book 3. Football looms large in this one – with East German team Stahl Eisenhüttenstadt (which loosely translates as ‘Steel Ironworks City’!) central to the plot. A Manchester City-supporting friend has insisted I get his team in too, and some Tigers’ fans want Hull City references. So I can see I’ll have to shoehorn in a fictional 3-way friendly tournament between the three ‘cities’. One thing there won’t be any mention of is Hull Tigers … or ‘hooligans’ being told they can die when they want.

As they say, available from all good bookshops from February 2017....

Look at me, please!!

It was Andy Warhol, the somewhat eccentric artist who is probably best known for his Campbell’s Soup tins prints, who came up with the well know quote "In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes".  In many ways I guess he is right with so many so called ‘reality’ TV shows thrusting the generally talentless to the forefront of the media to then fade into obscurity in a relatively short period.  This also applies to the various ‘talent’ shows like The Voice, The X Factor and the beautiful oxymoron that is Britain’s Got Talent, which have never really thrown up much in the way of lasting superstardom.  Bizarrely some people seem to be famous for being famous and nothing else and no one knows what they do, such as the Kardashians.  I like to feel that talent and hard work are rewarded, which I think they generally are, but sometimes that’s not the case.

Being a shy and retiring sort I have avoided being recorded on film to such an extent of crossing the road if I see that Look North are recording opinion pieces in Hull.  I have never wanted to be a spokesman and if one is wanted I will go AWOL.  I take the Homer Simpson approach that volunteers are suckers; never volunteer, never own up and always make fun of people who are different.

I have had a few fleeting seconds of fame though.  I got my name in the Times and Financial Times when I passed my professional exams.  I even proved to be a winner ...albeit the crossword in Fishing News and the Sodoku in Professional Pensions both of which had small prizes and results in print, but this is hardly big league fame.

It is possible to buy a bit of fame by sponsoring some event.  I guess I could try to get my name on the Big Screen at the KCOM stadium but knowing the Allams that would be eye-wateringly expensive as no doubt match and match ball sponsorship packages.  However, if you drop down to non-league it becomes very affordable.  I sponsored the match ball at Hall Road Rangers a few weeks back for the princely sum of £25.  That gets your name on the front of the programme and an announcement over the tannoy to a crowd perhaps running into three figures.  Not only that, you get admission for two with programmes and a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich in the inner sanctum of the committee room.  Bargain indeed. 

The match I covered was an incident packed local derby ...

Hall Road Ranger 2 (1)  v  Westella VIP 5 (1)   Thursday 14 April 2016

Adam Foster 47P, 63P      Chris Spinks 5P, 60 Garry Flounders 58, Chris Short 70, Joe McFadyen 75

Attendance: 75

Exhibit A match programme and the spelled my name correctly!

This game pretty much had the lot; seven goals, four penalties and a red card, so I couldn’t have picked a better game to be associated with, just a shame about the result.

This was probably the key moment 4 minutes in when the referee gave a red as well as the obvious penalty.  Personally I though he pushed the ball well out of range and so we would have managed to cover it.

The resulting penalty was put away.

The referee then continued to gave Hall Road Rangers no favours when he gave another penalty this time for hand ball when the ball made contact from an almost point blank shot.  Harsh in my opinion.

This time the stand in goalkeeper managed to keep it out.

Hall Road Rangers managed to get on terms just before half time with a penalty of their own.

In the second half Hall Road Rangers converted their second penalty the 4th of the evening but the extra man took its toll and Westella VIP put away another 4 to run out comfortable winners.

Smile please!

It’s over a month since I posted on this blog but not through a lack of things to say.  In fact more the opposite I've been so busy since the last post I just haven’t had time.  I had a three day visit to Belgium and France with work as well as fitting in a dozen football matches, a rugby league game and an ELO concert in Leeds.  The thing is the wet winter put paid to so many games that April has been a period of catch up with some non-league teams playing Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday.   Getting to four games in five days is great but when you work doesn't leave you with much time for anything else which is evidenced by the growing pile (physically and electronically) of books, audio books and football magazines in Chez Fleming.

I've also been faffing around with things I don’t understand...

Football fans in general have a sense of humour.  Standing in the cold and wet watching another drab goalless draw you’ve got to have one.   Admittedly much of the humour is coarse and ribald, probably as a result of the working class roots of the game, and it can manifest in a number ways.  Facing defeat in another relegation dog fight may result in gallows humour in a vain attempt to stay sane.  Some supporters can with superb comic timing usually coinciding with a moment of relative hush come up with a witty comment befitting Oscar Wilde and making smart-arse jokes at the expense of the match officials is now almost obligatory.   Then there are the songs and chants; sometimes coarse and offensive but others inventive and very funny.

Taking the piss out of friends and fellow supporters is also part of the game and if you are going to give it you better be able to take it!  Over the last few weeks I have been getting my share of good natured stick, well I hope it is good natured...

A couple of years back I got a pocket video camera for Christmas, to replace one that got lost, which sort of lives in one of the bedroom drawers.  The thing is being busy and suffering from age-related forgetfulness I never seem to have it with me when I go out and end up thinking if I had brought it I could have captured the moment.  This was to change though when one evening I had the idea of taking it with me when I went to see Hall Road Rangers.  What is wrong with that?  Queue the leg pulling.  Yes it is shaky.  No I am not after a job with ITV.  Yes I am the official adopted unofficial Videographer for Hall Road Rangers but I am not going up that tower, it doesn't look safe.  In fact it looks the sort of scaffold and architrave combination beloved of cowboy plasterers which can only end in tears for the unwary.  The funny thing is I also get “did you get that” and “let’s have a look” for the same people so it is of some benefit at the lower levels.  At North Ferriby United though they have a proper professional standard camera so I didn't get mine out, well no man wants to be belittled over the size of his equipment!

Still I will shrug off the jibes and persevere with it during the next non-league season and post the results on Twitter as well as some in this blog.

Hall Road Rangers 1 (0) v Knaresborough Town 1 (0)   Tuesday 12 April 2016
Jordan Harrison 57             Will Lenehan 80

Attendance 61

Hall Road Rangers hit the bar from a free- kick.

Hall Road Rangers take the lead from the spot

Knaresborough Town equalise from a corner.

A draw was probably a fair result and the game will probably be best remembered for the language emanating from the away bench, strong stuff!

Still I will shrug off the jibes and persevere with it during the next non-league season and post the results on Twitter as well as some in this blog.

The Day I Joined the Good 'ol Boys

Getting old, sadly it comes to most of us lucky enough not to die young, which of course is sadder still.  Most of us hope for three score year and ten as a minimum, whereas only a few years ago 70 was considered a very good knock indeed.  Now most of us under 60 will be expecting to make it to 80 or beyond.  The aging population is playing havoc with pension schemes where contributions were set with say an expected post retirement life of 10 years and in a short time frame that payment commitment has doubled.  What a time to grow old in this 'vale of tears'.

I have passed 50 now and have had the day when I realised that I had probably lived over half of my allotted span and that this is probably as good as it is going to get.  All downhill from now, faculties fading and bits dropping off, I just hope my teeth hang on as long as I do.  How do we take this process?  Grow old gracefully or go all gung-ho like Iris Apfel (the 94 year old in the Citroen advertisement) and live life to max?  You're not ready and you never will be!  Well being a boring accountant I guess I will steer a path down the middle but with the occasional mad moment.

Television doesn't help; I for one am sick of the pathetic, contrived over 50s life cover adverts, so much so that if I ever met a certain professional Yorkshireman it would be a tossup whether shook his hand in awe or nutted him for being a sanctimonious git.  You can get that sort of cover for less and I hope you have BUPA cover too.  But seriously it can be frustrating getting e-mails from Saga trying to entice me on grab-a-granny cruises and the like and if after a 27 year hiatus I decided to 'get my boots out' it wouldn't be veterans now but walking football.  I am now old enough to play walking football; is there any wonder I feel like crying?

For now I will concentrate on beer and whisky and getting football fixes where I can at least until the cricket season is in full swing...

Today its 'Tales From The Riverbank' and sees Hammy (me), Roderick (Darren), GP (Rick) and the Wise old Frog (John) visiting the Good 'ol Boys of Barton Town on the south bank of the Humber.  A trip to Mississippi or Alabama would have been nice but sadly the budget doesn't stretch that far.

Barton Town Old Boys 3 (2)   Thackley AFC 1 (0)    Thursday 31 March 2016

Ashley Dexter (14, 22):         Thomas Dugdale (77)         

Jake Vernon (72)  

Attendance: 91

(Floodlight photo courtesy of Darren Norton - https://knockernortonfootball.wordpress.com/)

After last week’s race up the pyramid to National League North (which mysteriously includes Lowestoft) today we are back down to the Northern Counties East League Premier Division.

It has to be said that this nice little ground is not the easiest to find even though it is in the shadow of the Humber Bridge.  It’s down a little lane amongst houses near a railway crossing.  There is a decent size car park and pay up £5.00 and you are in and then realise that you can't actually see said bridge, it’s as if Dynamo has magic’d it away!  The Swans Review is the match day programme (£1.50) and is an excellent publication, one of the best I have seen so far. Full colour with a good mix of articles, statistics, player profiles and information amongst the necessary advertisements.  Well done, shows what can be done and is certainly a level to aspire to.

The club building is single story and pretty new, housing the changing rooms, a comfortable bar and committee rooms.  Opposite the dugout is a decent stand with seating and behind the goal to the right (south) is a 'shed' in which the Barton flag was hung and the keen lads stood.  As near as you can get to Ultras in Curva Sud in this level of non-league football and to be fair they did make some noise.  As I had come straight from work in Doncaster it was straight into the bar for something to eat.  Pie and peas.  The pie was decent enough but the mushy peas were a bit of a letdown, a small portion (I’m a growing lad) and a little watery.  I guess that this being the start of the south it is considered to be 'pea puree in pea jus' if they have gone all Jamie Oliver on us.  Still it set us up nicely for a cold night of football.

The 'Curva Sud'

The first half was a slightly odd affair with neither side creating clear cut chances from open play and Thackley for me probably just shaded it in quality of play.  It was Barton Town though who were on the score sheet with two powerful headers from Ashley Dexter who may not be the quickest of centre halves but can certainly head a ball with some force.

As with most small grounds the ball disappears out of play over some pitch side obstruction.  At North Ferriby United it may be the allotments; here it was the garden fence of some pitch side houses.  The lad assigned ball retrieval duties had to scale a 6 foot fence to get the ball.  Get the lad a stepladder chaps, health and safety and all that!

The second half was just as frantic as the first one but at least there fewer aimless punts up field.  With the ball on the ground, albeit somewhat bumpy, Barton Town exerted their dominance and Thackley seemed to run out of ideas.  Both sides scored but Thackley's was little more than a consolation goal and they never really looked like getting back into the game and taking anything from it.

This was a hard fought game between two committed teams and at the top level there would have been a flurry of cards for some of the tasty tackles.  A red one was shown for an impressive double pole-axing; no quarter is given at this level and I did note that the coach did seem to carry a tool box for some reason...

All in all an excellent evening; no doubt we will be coming back next season.

*no rye whisky was sipped or baccy chewed while producing his piece

The day I joined the Village People

Anyone who knows me will say that I am partial to a nice piece of head wear.  At football I can be seen wearing a beanie hat, Yorkshire cricket baseball cap or one of those Peruvian hats with ear covers.  For horse racing or holidays I have a nice straw hat.  At work I became rather fond of a denim tea cosy which could be shaped into a rather fetching hat in the Russian style and when we had a particularly shrill female Interim Finance Director a bump hat with attached ear defenders.  In fact I need little encouragement to put something on my head even though I have a good head of hair (for my age) albeit slightly receding at the front.

Recently I have had a hankering for a txapeldun, which is a special Basque beret.  I fear wearing a normal beret would leave me looking like a short, fat Frank Spencer.  Lets face it nobody wants people to go 'oooo Betty' when they see you.  A txapeldun is big, no outrageously big beret.  You can sometimes see them being worn in the crowd at Athletic Bilbao matches, usually by older gentlemen smoking huge cigars.  Just how big a txapeldun can be is probably best illustrated by an episode of The Goodies (from those old enough to remember them!)  In one episode entitled Kung Fu Kapers the lads introduce us the mystical ancient Lancastrian martial art of Ecky-Thump.  I seem to remember Ecky-Thump mainly consisted of men dressed in trousers with big braces, Fair Isle tank tops and ridiculously large flat caps hitting people with Rochdale black puddings (I guess a lot of acid was dropped in the late sixties and early seventies).  A man was reported to have laughed himself to death at this episode.

A txapeldun is about the size of the flat caps worn by The Goodies...

So to todays match when I popped along with John to see North Ferriby United play Stockport County in the Vanarama National League North.  North Ferriby are known as The Villagers (North Ferriby being more village than town) and so wanting them to win would make me one of the Village People!  Sadly no Native Indian headdress, police motor cycle helmet or Stetson today (and under no circumstances leather peaked cap), just a straightforward Beanie hat.

Fat man in a beanie

North Ferriby 2 (0)  Stockport County 0 (0)  Saturday 26 March 2016

Eon Visual Media Stadium

Brooksby (63), Denton (69)
Attendance: 926

The National League North is probably the top level of the part-time non-league game so is a pretty decent standard.  The next step up the National League, which is one step below the Football League, is a serious business and clubs are largely professionally run and the players full time footballers.  The National League contains a number of teams that were in the Football League in recent years and in standard is close to League 2, so think of it as League 3 (or division 5 in old money).

The ground is a decent little one, I have been here before for Hull City Reserves matches, but promotion to the next level will probably require a fair bit of investment in improvements.  Today’s opponents were an established football league side until recent years and this was reflected in the travelling support and the attendance in general of over 900 which brought some atmosphere to the match.

Admission was a reasonable £12 and the match day programme £2 although a bit lacking in content for me.

Humber Bridge in the distance

If the match is dull you can always manage a bit of train spotting










Conditions made playing decent football difficult, with a very strong, gusting wind and angled drizzle.  Much of a combative first half was spent with big punts up field and the ball in the air a lot; both sides being desperate not to concede an early advantage to the opposition.  The feeling was that both sides were above this and that hopefully if conditions would ease a bit then there was the danger of a decent game breaking out.

There were big queues at the refreshments hut but John showed great patience to come back with Bovril and a very decent steak pie.  In half time conversation I remarked to Nick that I couldn’t see a breakthrough and if the side half followed as more of the same we were set for a dire nil-nil, but Nick disagreed.  Shows what I know.

Action at the 'Allotment End'

The second half started much better and North Ferriby quickly produced a bit of a panic in the Stockport box and a goal mouth scramble (oh how we love one of those).  Then Stockport had a decent chance at the other end but headed wide.

North Ferriby broke the deadlock when a nice move was finished off with a powerful strike by Brooksby.  The lead was doubled six minutes later when Denton sprung the offside trap (though we less sure than the assistant referee) and neatly finished.  It was though just reward as he had played very well in attack despite a lot of defensive skulduggery and had produced some fine headed clearances.

Stockport redoubled their efforts to get back into the game in the remaining twenty minutes but North Ferriby used all their experience and showed great composure meaning the result was never really in doubt.

The second half made up for a poor first half and the bracing weather brought a glow to the cheeks.  Now all we needed was England to finish off Sri Lanka in the 20Twenty cricket and Roy’s lads to beat Germany in Berlin to end a great Saturday...not asking for much.

My mistress

I decided to make a conscious effort to embrace Non-League Football this season.  I go to Hull City home games as a season ticket holder, but as I rarely go to away games there are a few spare winter Saturdays that are often just a case of watching football on TV and a few pints in the local social club.  So if I am married to Hull City why not ‘play away’ with the odd mistress on the side?

My first affair was a brief one match stand with Tadcaster Albion in the NCEL Premier Division.  This looks like a cracking little set up and it was a real shame that they were so badly affected by the floods at the end of last year.

Next came two on my doorstep, Hall Road Rangers and Hull United both of NCEL Division One.  

Hull United is a newish team with big, bold ambitions but is perhaps trying to run before it can walk.  This season has been a fraught one for them and they are currently without a ground and having to play out all their home fixtures away.  I managed to catch a few of their games whilst they were playing at the KC Lightstream Stadium, home of Hull Kingston Rovers Rugby League side, but this arrangement sadly proved to be short lived despite them pulling in good attendances .  I hope they can find a suitable home ground for next season so I can catch some of their matches and at this level a nomadic existence is not sustainable financially for a long period.

Hall Road Rangers are a long established small community club running teams for both boys and girls from under 8s to adults.  2015 was a big year for them when they moved grounds from Dene Park to Haworth Park.

The first thing that struck me about Hall Road Rangers was the badge.  Football badges are a very emotive topic for some fans and whilst many of them have changed and evolved over the years it takes a brave man to suggest making a change.  Hull City changed theirs last season, much to the chagrin of many supporters, by dropping the Hull City AFC and replacing it with 1904 the year of the club’s formation.  This was part of the much argued name change and re-brand (more on this another time).  Some badges are brilliantly evocative of the club; others just plain silly as highlighted by When Saturday Comes in their weekly email.  The Hall Road Rangers badge appears to be a Mountie sat on a rearing horse.   Very bold I must say, but in short supply in North Hull where you are lucky to see a Police Community Support Officer.

I’ve been to their ground a few times now and I am starting to be recognised and people connected with the club are stopping for a chat.  Most small clubs at this level are friendly, welcoming places where it is easy to fit in so if you haven’t tried non-league football what are you waiting for.

Hall Road Rangers 6 (2)        Worsbrough Bridge Athletic 0 (0)             Thursday 17 March 2016

J Harrison (4, 90), C Harrison (13), Bennett (84), Kinsley (87), Jones (88)

Attendance: 78

Despite arriving well before kick-off I was unable to get a programme so it was immediately clear that there were more spectators than expected on a Thursday night, which is not a regular football night.  Once inside it was obvious that there were a number of visitors unconnected with either club. A number of ground hoppers had taken the opportunity to ‘tick off’ another ground/club, some coming from the other side of the Pennines which shows dedication.

The match was very entertaining and better than the score line suggested.  Hall Road went into an early lead which was doubled inside the first quarter hour.  Thereafter the game was pretty even until the final 10 minutes when the Worsbrough lads, who only had one substitute, tired.  Both sides showed neat skilful touches but were undone by over eagerness and the bumpy pitch at times.  The Worbrough team which was largely made up of youngsters acquitted themselves well but lacked a cutting edge up from.

It was a confidence boosting performance by Hall Road who like many sides has a bit of a fixture pile up with another league match on the Saturday and a cup semi-final on the following Tuesday.

Hall Road Rangers 0        Yorkshire Amateur 0      Saturday 19 March 2016

Attendance: 54

This match in comparison had plenty of incident but little by goal line action with both teams lacking composure at times, especially in the final third.  The nearest Yorkshire Amateur came to scoring was when a mix up between the Hall Road goalkeeper and defender saw the former’s clearance kick come off the latter but just go wide of the post.  In the second half Hall Road came nearest and hit the bar but generally they cancelled each other out and neither side really looked like scoring.

                               

Sadly I cannot make the cup semi-final on Tuesday, but as it is an International Break at the weekend there is every chance I’ll be seeing a bit on the side on Easter Monday.

Scottish Football

The following is a piece that I wrote for Seasiders Review the match day programme of Bridlington Town AFC

Another Weekend in Scotland

A quick return north o’ the border, this time with Brother in Law John for a quick break before his birthday.  I’d promised him a little trip months ago and after so many local non-league cancellations last weekend seemed as good as any.

It’s a long way so an early start was needed.  We started the journey listening to some back episodes of The Blizzard podcast as I couldn’t face Talk Sport or 5 Live so soon after dawn.  The SatNav instructions kept interrupting the flow of the podcast which led to some amusing breaks such as “...his favourite anecdote was”.. “at the next roundabout go straight on”, bloody good story that one!  After a while though we succumbed to the inevitable and tuned into Talk Sport and endless chatter about the North London Derby.  Apparently a Talk Sport 2 is to be launched soon which will probably delight taxi drivers though you have to worry how thin they can spread their special brand of ‘intelligent debate’.

As the driver I was knackered when we finally reached Stark’s Park, the home of Raith Rovers.  Our first sight was the offices and the Val McDermid stand looming over a wall.  In case you are not a fan, Val McDermid is a crime writer (The Wire in the Blood, and others) who comes from Kirkcaldy.  A quick photo and tweet to Hull crime writer Nick Quantrill and we were off in search of refreshments.  Ten minutes later we almost run into the good lady herself but she was occupied with a group of people so I couldn’t go all fan-boy and ask for an autograph and picture.

Refreshment came by way of a decent pint Orkney Raven ale in the Robert Nairn down the lovely named Kirk Wynd.  I could have happily spent all afternoon supping but we had food to find and football to watch.

Food came by way of the ubiquitous pie from a local baker on the High Street.  John opted for a macaroni one and a chicken one whereas I went for scotch and chicken.  John was a bit apprehensive about the idea of a macaroni pie but after a couple of steaming bites deemed it one of the finest pies he had had.  Praise indeed!  I bit into my piping hot scotch pie and got a squirt of hot fat.  It is one of the mysteries of life that if you dip your finger in something wet two seconds later you have a wet arm up to your elbow.  In this case super heated pie fat up to my elbow; curses followed and some of my pie filling fell onto the pavement.

Stark’s Park is a curious little ground with the away fans sat in the Val McDermid stand behind one goal and the bulk of the home fans sat behind the opposite goal.  There is a main stand which contains the offices, changing rooms and such like but it doesn’t even make it to half way.  On the opposite side is a covered terrace which is being converted to seating, on which was proudly displayed the Raith Rovers flag which appears to be a Lion with a Talbort Sunbeam steering wheel.

The match itself was a very entertaining end to end affair.  The purist would probably argue that there were too many long and aerial balls but to be fair the pitch was heavily sanded by modern standards, which is not conducive to slick passing.  Raith opened the scoring after only three minutes and added a second mid way through the half.  St Mirren battled away and got their reward just before half time, but Raith were good value for their half time lead.

The second half started much as the first did when Hardie quickly grabbed two more to complete his hat trick, all of which were finished well.  They then eased down somewhat, becoming a little sloppy and inviting pressure.  St Mirren required no second invitation and got themselves back into the game on the hour mark.  The tide had turned and as so often is the case when a team eases off they find it hard to raise their game back to the required standard.  This was no exception and St Mirren added a third and were looking for looking for an equaliser.

Back to the car and a short drive over to Glenrothes where our hotel was situated, on a roundabout which being a new town it seems to have in abundance.  All rather confusing in the dark and for some inexplicable reason one wrong turn led to a 30 minute walk taking nearer to 90 minutes.  At least it worked up a thirst and an appetite!

We finally made it to the local Wetherspoon’s pub the Golden Acorn for a few pints and some food.  Unlike their pubs in England they do a Highland Burger which is like a chilli burger but with a haggis toping rather than chilli.  Bloody lovely; we must petition for them down south.

A great day was rounded off with a nightcap in the Fettykil Fox adjacent to the hotel and plans for Sunday morning sightseeing in Edinburgh.

Raith Rovers 4 (2) St Mirren 3 (1)

Hardie (3, 53, 55), Stewart (24)                   Watson (41, 76), Clarkson (61)

Raith Rovers

Cuthbert, Thomson, Toshney, Benedictus, McKeown, Connolly (Anderson 56), Callachan, Davidson, Panayiotou (Matthews 64), Hardie, Stewart

Substitutes: Anderson, Matthews, Thomas, Court, Craigen, Law, Barr

St Mirren

Langfield, Watson, Webster, Baird, Irvine, Gallagher (Gow 56), Mallan, Quinn (Agnew 25), Stewart (Thompson 85), Shankland, Clarkson

Substitutes: Goodwin, Gow, Thompson, Agnew, Cooper, Wilks, McAllister

Referee: John Beaton

Attendance: 1,888

The pitch was plastic but the football wasn’t!

Unless you live in the Gobi Desert or say Brunei (keep reading folks) you will probably be aware thatthere has been rather a lot of rain so far this winter.  There was widespread flooding either side of Christmas and some northern areas such as Carlisle and York have been particularly hard hit bringing misery to many.  As well as impacting upon business life it has also hit sport hard with Carlisle United and Tadcaster Albion’s grounds being flooded.  The sport has rallied around though and both clubs are now back up and running.  Having been to Tadcaster’s ground earlier in the season it was good to see them bounce back, it’s a nice little ground and I can recommend a visit if you are in the area.

Thankfully my home city Hull missed the flooding this time.  There was extensive flooding in 2007 but the media appeared to gloss over this, perhaps because Hull is not as photogenic as some places.  We have had a lot of rain though just how much was brought home to me on Sunday when I was walking home from the KC Lightstream Stadium.  As I walked over the bridge over Holderness Drain I noticed the water level was very high, as high as I can remember.  I must point out that this is a land drain not a sewer; even Hull got rid of open sewers many years ago and the plague cart no longer goes around shouting ‘bring out your dead’.  The carrs of Holderness are very flat and wet but thanks to extensive drainage works carried out in the 18^th Century much of the land is habitable and indeed arable farmland.  All of this water is drained away and is pumped into either the city docks or the River Humber.

The weather has played havoc with local non-league fixtures and on a number of occasions arrangements have been made to attend a game only for it to be called off.  After three such cancellations in eight days I was beginning to wonder when I would next see one.  Hall Road Ranger’s senior county cup game against Hull City was scheduled to take place on Tuesday 16 February when Hull City were playing Brighton, then it was postponed to the following night which meant I could go with Twitter pal Darren ‘Knocker’ Norton.  The rain continued to fall and on the Wednesday the pitch failed another inspection.  Then the emergency plan came into place, with the game being moved to be played on the 3G pitch at Hull City’s Bishop Burton Academy.  Home advantage would be surrendered along with admission and bar income, which are vital to non-league sides, but at least the game would be played and the fixture pile up reduced by one.  Hasty re-arrangement of plans but we had a match to go to!  I had never seen a game on an artificial surface other than on television so was curious to see how it would play out.

Hall Road Rangers 2 (1) Hull City 1 (1)

Wednesday 17 February, Bishop Burton

Attendance 77

Bishop Burton is a lovely picturesque village a few miles from Beverley and there has been an agricultural college based here for many years.  The site has developed somewhat in recent years as the education sector has become liberalised and is now the base for Hull City’s Academy. 

The rain continued to fall throughout the evening and I can confess to being the ‘wally with the brolly’ not that I was on my own amongst the hardy souls on the touchline.  This made the surface very slick and to be fair it seemed a reasonable one to play football on favouring hard, quick passes on the ground.  Yes if the ball was punted up field the bounce may not be what one may expect but would it be any truer on the ‘glue pot’ pitches that we seem happy to play on.  I for one was happily surprised to find myself forgetting about the pitch and concentrating on the game, which was a pretty decent, free flowing one belying the conditions.  Rangers had the better of the first half scoring the opener, a cracker from Darren Rookes.  They then had a chance to double the lead when they were awarded a penalty for handball but Danny Walker’s spot kick was saved by the City keeper.  Then just before the break Tyler Hamilton managed to equalise for City and Rangers were left to wonder what went wrong.

No half time whisky because I was driving but we went indoors for a warm up.  This gave chance for a bit of catching up and non-league gossip.  So much so we missed the restart and the third goal of the game when Danny Walker put Rangers ahead and that’s how it stayed.  The City team was made up of young lads who showed good levels of skill but perhaps it was greater experience and game management that got Rangers home.

So what did I conclude?  Artificial surfaces are here to stay, that there is no doubt and more are being installed.  During the week there were scare stories about the rubber compound causing cancer which is worrying and should clearly be studied and monitored, but I cannot see this having a major impact in the short term.

Having a number 3G pitches to fall back on in the region would clearly be an advantage and allow backlogs of games to be played and save pitches from being destroyed.  Whether there should be widespread digging up of grass pitches for artificial surfaces I am not sure, I think I would want to see more games in differing conditions to be sure even though my view of this game was favourable.

Martha, Josie and the Chinese Elvis by Charlotte Jones

Last night, Saturday 20 February, I decided to forego the Spanish football and pop down to Hull Truck to see a performance of Martha, Josie and the Chinese Elvis.  This is a co production with the Octagon Theatre in Bolton and an excellent show it is.

Josie is a career dominatrix working from her front room.  She is starting to feel past it, her heart is not in it or celebrating her 50^th birthday.

Josie has two daughters; Brenda-Marie who is a bit special, possesses ancient wisdom and dreams of ice dancing and Shelley-Louise who is, ahem, dead.

Martha is the devout Irish cleaner who is more than a little OCD and leaves the house spotless but is she avoiding something?

Lionel is a dry cleaner who is one of Josie’s most loyal clients and has a penchant for wearing ladies clothes.  Moreover is more like a friend to Josie and on finding it’s her birthday decides to lay on an impromptu party at hers.  He arranges for a special surprise of an Elvis impersonator (Elvis being Josie’s idol) from the local kissagram agency.  Timothy Wong is a novice Elvis impersonator, who doesn’t even know all the songs but he is .....The Chinese Elvis.

This is a laugh out loud comedy with adult themes and a few surprises which I will not spoil for you.  Like all great comedies there are serious points too with themes of having the self belief to achieve, the courage to embrace transformation and ultimately redemption.  This is a play that could have you crying with laughter or sadness but ultimately ends with an upbeat feeling.

Christopher Chung is excellent as the titled Elvis playing bewilderment convincingly, but Anna Wheatley steals the show as Brenda-Marie in a demanding role which was nicely judged when it would be easy to over play it.  Overall the cast put in a fine performance.

Its run at Hull Truck continues until 5 March and then it transfers to the Octagon in Bolton from 10 March until 2 April and I recommend you catch it, it’s a quality production and you won’t be disappointed!

Credits:

John Branwell as Lionel

Christopher Chung as Timothy Wong/Chinese Elvis

Isabel Ford as Martha

Natalie Grady as Shelley-Louise

Lynda Rooke as Josie

Anna Wheatley as Brenda-Marie

Director: Mark Babych

Designer: Patrick Connellan

Sound Designer: Matt Cloves

Lighting Designer: Elliot Griggs

Movement Director: Jon Beney

That Dirty Feeling

At around 10:00pm on Monday evening I felt really dirty, my skin crawled and I wanted to scratch.  I don’t think that even sharing a sleeping bag with a diseased tramp and the skankiest crack whore in Britain for a couple of hours could have made me feel worse.  I wanted to jump into the shower with a manly body gel and scrub my body with a rough exfoliating sponge (which all modern men should own) until my skin was pink.  Was I ill?  No, I had just spent 2 hours watching Sky’s Monday night Championship coverage of Leeds United versus Middlesbrough wanting Leeds to get a positive result.

Football fans are a funny lot, even watching a game as a neutral we generally want one team to win.  This may be the underdog, a team that has done your team a favour in the past or just one you admire.  There are more reasons not to like a team though.  There are natural city rivalries like in Liverpool, Manchester, Sheffield and London and just as intense local derbies like Burnley/Blackburn Rovers and Portsmouth/Southampton.  There are also odd rivalries like between Crystal Palace and Brighton caused by some long distant slight.

There are also reasons to dislike a team just because you can.  This could be the nouveau riche like Chelsea or Manchester City or in case of the lower leagues any team that gets a disproportionately large cash injection.  It could be the ‘but we are a big club’ mantra, the haughtiness of Arsenal or the ‘we won the world cup for England’ West Ham United.  Lower league fans tend not to approve of MK Dons the ‘franchise team’.  It could also be down to individuals connected with clubs, such as any team managed by Tony Pulis, Sam Allardyce or Steve Evans.

Manchester United of course are loathed by many and Leeds United suffer from the Dirty Leeds tag of Don Revie’s 1970’s side.  To be fair I had a sneaky liking for the Leeds side of 2000 vintage that lived the dream and played sublime football at times.  Then they crashed and burned and blew it all by being in denial about their fate believing it was undeserved and they should really be in the Premier League.  They have then become a bit of a travesty and my personal view is that promotion will not come until they embrace their true position in the same way Manchester City and their fans did.

It was pure self interest that made me want Leeds United to win; Middlesbrough are close rivals of Hull City for promotion this season and it is very tight at the top.  So was it worth it?  Well Leeds played pretty decent and managed a goalless draw.  Then the following evening...

Hull City V Brighton & Hove Albion

It was perfect conditions, considering the rain which had caused many non-league postponements recently, for what should have been an entertaining top end of the table clash.  Sadly the game was rather niggley never really got going with few chances created.  Brighton had suffered a slump in form in recent weeks and looked to be set up not to lose and City lacked the guile to make a breakthrough.  Brighton did get the ball in the net but it was ruled out for offside.  The most exciting moment came at the death when Cluclas’ shot produced a fine save from  Stockdale who pushed it onto the bar.

This left Hull City at the top of the table two points ahead of Middlesborough who have played one game less.  Not a great result but I suppose at this stage of the season when games come thick and fast one point is better than a morale sapping defeat.

Hull

McGregor, Odubajo, Dawson, Davies, Robertson, Snodgrass (Akpom 72), Livermore, Huddlestone (Hayden 61), Clucas, Diamé (Elmohamady 82)Hernández

Substitutes: Meyler, Maguire, Jakupovic, Akpom, Hayden, Diomande, Elmohamady

Brighton

Stockdale, Bruno, Goldson, Dunk, Calderon, Knockaert (Skalak 86), Stephens, Sidwell, Kayal (Crofts 71), Murphy, Hemed (Baldock 71)

Substitutes: Mäenpää, Crofts, Baldock, Rosenior, Zamora, Lua Lua, Skalak

Referee: Andy Madley

Attendance: 17,321

The Half time dram this time was Old Pulteney 12yo.  This fine whisky is made in Wick and is the most Northerly distillery on the mainland and right on the coast.  It is a personal favourite of mine and was reasonably priced, though has become dearer of late, and it rarely disappoints.  This whisky really brings home the ‘taste o the sea’ and can have a real salty tang to it which makes a nice change from the heavily peated Islay or sherried Speyside whiskies.